---

On the 27th of March 2023, American everywoman Audrey “Aidan” Hale decided to start her Monday morning like many American citizens do, with a hearty bowl of peanut butter based cereal, and engagement in America’s most popular pastime beside baseball – going to elementary schools and shooting the children they find there for sport.

Hale selected her alma mater, The Covenant School in Green Hills, Nashville, Tennessee, for his attention, reportedly because it was her time there constituted the happiest years of her life, and that she wanted to die happy. The most important lesson to take away from this is that it is never prudent to make Americans happy, and it would behoove Disneyland to reconsider its slogan as ‘The Happiest Place on Earth’ and its business model of entertaining large groups of children, as they seem to be the preferred quarry of the Happy American.

Hale broke into the school, whereupon she fatally shot three nine-year-old students along with three members of staff. One further student was shot and wounded. Hale was subsequently fatally shot by two armed officers of the Metropolitan Nashville Police Department, one of whom was also wounded.

Hale was, of course, counted among those most mentally healthy in American society, the transsexual community, as routinely celebrated by the United States government and healthcare industry. Outside of murdering children, Hale’s hobbies included basketball, and fear of racism – prior to the attack at The Covenant School, Hale had planned an attack on Creswell Middle School, but aborted these plans due to the school’s predominantly black population. If there’s one thing child murdering American mass shooters cannot abide, it’s being perceived as racist. In order to avoid appearing racist, Hale produced a touching and heartfelt manifesto to express how much she enjoyed and appreciated her time at the school, as well as her dedication to renouncing racism, which included such lines as:

‘Wanna kill all you little crackers … Bunch of little faggots w/ your white privlages [sic] fuck you faggots.’

Hale was also, of course, under care for emotional disorders at the time of the shootings.

---