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Mars Incorporated made the decision recently to retire their M&Ms cartoon mascots after various nebulous complaints that they were (depending on who you ask) too sexy / not sexy enough / too woke / not woke enough.

Prior to the chocolate chums’ headlong foray into cancel culture, they had undergone a reimagining so that they could ‘underscore the importance of self-expression and power of community through storytelling’, and ‘also reflect an updated tone of voice that is more inclusive, welcoming, and unifying’. This statement was published by Mars Inc. on the 19th of January. The notice that the candy gang were to be suspended came in on the 23rd of January. Much like a packet of M&Ms that you were given for Christmas, they sat on the shelf on standby for four days, then got thrown into the bin because everyone hates them.

Mars Inc. also stated that ‘M&M’S has evolved its beloved characters’ personalities and backstories to be more representative of today’s society and created a fresh, modern take on their looks to underscore the importance of self-expression and power of community’. Why they would do this is beyond me, today’s society is awful. Still, that is what they did. They did this by making the M&Ms cast as fundamentally unlikeable as possible. They updated the M&Ms to appeal to Gen Z sensibilities, and, much like Gen Z, they were too unstable to make it to the end of the week. Don’t they know Gen Z don’t even eat sweets? The only colourful treats they choke down are their daily anxiety pills, chased with a carbon-neutral sugar-free almond milk latté. Predictably to everyone except Mars Inc.’s marketing department, everyone hated it.

The actual reasons for the decision to retire the ‘controversial candy characters’ are inconsequential. I would rather focus on the way they decided to go about it:

‘America, let’s talk’, they open. Three words into whatever this statement is going to be, and they have already elicited my disdain. It’s the way they say it, as if to say ‘listen, I’m going to be straight with you’. You just know whatever they’re about to say is going to be untrustworthy.

‘In the last year, we have made some changes to our beloved spokescandies’. I am not fond of stifling free speech, but can we please come to a gentleman’s agreement never to say ‘spokescandies’ again? Thank you.

‘We weren’t sure if anyone would notice’. Here’s the dishonesty we were waiting for. Of course they were sure we would notice. Companies do not pour money into marketing and rebranding exercises for people ‘not to notice’. They made these changes, then they issued statements to make sure everyone was fully aware we were entering the next arc of the epic candy crush saga.

‘But now we get it – even a candy’s shoes can be polarizing’. The smug tone makes it clear the disdain goes both ways. Mars Inc. hates that you have forced them to do this. You, who saw their attempt to shill their chocolate drops to the current generation of youth in the most condescending way, and told them to get fucked. This is your fault, you know. That’s it, they’re turning the car around! Now there will be no spokescandies for anyone! That’ll sure teach us.

‘Therefore, we have decided to take an indefinite pause from the spokescandies’. Mars Inc. Come on. I thought we had a gentleman’s agreement.

Anyway, here’s Maya Rudolph.

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